


Chasing Nightmares

by Tarlan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Community: mcsheplets, Community: trope_bingo, Episode: s04e04 Doppelganger, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:39:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarlan/pseuds/Tarlan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has to deal with his greatest fear when the crystal entity invades his nightmares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chasing Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

  * For [raphe1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphe1/gifts).



> Written for:  
>  **McSheplets** #144 - Season 4 (I chose episode 4.04 Doppelganger)  
>  **Trope_Bingo** \- Presumed Dead
> 
>  
> 
> **Seventh in a series of gifts for the wonderful RAPHE1**

Devastated, John pushed up from the med-bed and staggered away, barely able to place one foot in front of the other as he made his way down corridors that seemed to have lost their vibrant glow. It was as if the whole city was now in mourning, subdued by the loss of one man. His friend. His best friend in two galaxies.

Rodney was dead, and it was all his fault.

He was the one who had touched the crystal and brought the entity back with them to Atlantis, and it had used his form to terrorize - and kill - the very people he cared about most. It had killed Rodney, and all he had left now was the memory of Rodney's nightmare; that insane dream about being eaten by a whale, brought on by a child's overactive imagination as a father tried to read the classics to a young Rodney.

He remembered the small rowing boat in the middle of an stormy ocean, with the safety of Atlantis beckoning in the distance, so far away. If he closed his eyes he could recall the taste of salt water, and the tang of fear. And Rodney, scared but refusing to give up even as the entity clothed in John's skin taunted him.

How often had he seen that look of fear in Rodney's wide blue eyes as they faced one danger or another? Wraith, super volcanoes, the Asurans, and Pegasus natives who would rather see them dead than trade with them. Every single time, Rodney had looked to him with hope trying to chase away the fear even when it was Rodney who eventually saved the day.

He had seen that same hope in Rodney's eyes when he sat next to him in the boat and started to help him row, but the moment the jaws of the whale closed around the small boat, John knew he had lost Rodney. He had seen it in the absolute terror filling Rodney's eyes as the nightmare ended and snapped him back into the isolation room to the warning sounds of a flatlining monitor and the whine of a defibrillator powering up.

Other memories assailed him as he watched Keller's frantic attempt to save Rodney; precious moments they had shared, games played and movies mocked. He remembered the crazy look in Rodney's eyes when he'd got an idea, and the sheer joy of sharing those discoveries with Rodney, seeing him so animated, and so alive. As those memories flooded through him, the walls of denial he had erected to keep his love for Rodney platonic came tumbling down, throwing him headlong into despair for all that could have been if only he had found the courage to take Rodney in his arms and tell him how much he loved him.

 _Had_ loved him.

People he had considered friends stepped out of the shadows, blaming him for not being a good enough friend, for bringing this misery and suffering among them, and for not doing enough to save Rodney. For one heart-wrenching moment, he almost believed them as he recalled the shocked look on Keller's face when told him Rodney was dead.

It was his worst nightmare come true; watching the man he loved die right before his eyes.

The thought shocked him into stillness. It was _his_ worst nightmare.

His eyes were draw to the far wall, and there it was, cold and menacing, and wearing his face and form.

"Son of a bitch."

There was nothing this creature could do to scare him to death. He had seen too much horror already in his life, and with Rodney gone, he had nothing left to live for anyway, but he refused to go down without a fight. He owed Rodney that much, but just like Rodney with the whale, this was a fight he knew he could not win... not until he realized too late that it was not fear that it needed to feed upon, but the rush of adrenaline. By fighting it, he had played right into its hands, weakening himself as his physical body tried to cope with the overwhelming phantom needs of the fight or flight response.

It taunted him then, when it realized John had figured it out, and its barbs struck home. It _was_ his fault that Rodney was dead, and John felt a stab of pain in his chest at the memory.

"I'm not dead."

The shock of hearing Rodney's voice made his heart skip a beat... and moments later it was all over. With electric shocks racing through his body, weakening the entity, he had thrown the creature out of his mind and back into its crystal, the only place it had left to go.

He thought the nightmare would end there, and that he would immediately awaken but instead, the empty gate room lingered. Rodney started to look nervous and John couldn't blame him for worrying that they had ejected the wrong consciousness from his body. He had similar fears that this was just another aspect of his nightmare, giving him back Rodney only to take him away again.

"I thought there'd be more... hot girls."

"Yeah," John lied, unwilling to admit that his fantasies had always tended to involve hot guys rather than women.

Now that he had broken down those walls of denial, he even had a face to put to the shadowy figure of a man who had haunted his wet dreams over these last few years. Rodney's face... and Rodney's body.

"Yeah," he repeated softly.

For a moment his thoughts transported him back to the small village inside the sanctuary, and how Teer and the others had needed to face their fears before they could ascend. The entity had forced him to face what _it_ thought was John's greatest fear, that of Rodney dying before he could tell him how he truly felt about him, but now John knew that it was far more complicated than simple death. In reality, his greatest fear was seeing Rodney walk away from him in disgust if he ever revealed his true feelings.

When he focused back on Rodney, he found him staring behind John in surprise. For a moment John though the entity had returned and spun swiftly to face the danger, only to find another Rodney standing behind him, but this one was naked and looking at him with so much love and lust that it was impossible to deny why he was there.

"John?"

The real Rodney called his name and it was echoed in a softer, warmer tone by his dream version.

Everything faded, and he was back in the isolation room stretched out on the bed. He looked across and met Rodney's eyes, slowly lying back down as the enormity of what he had revealed rushed through him.

Hours later, unable to sleep, John was surprised when Rodney joined him and Teyla in the mess hall, having expected Rodney to avoid him for at least a few days while they both decided what to do about his dream revelation. As the others arrived and then slowly drifted away again, he didn't expect Rodney to stick around until only the two of them remained.

"So. You dream about me?"

John winced and gave an uncomfortable half shrug. "To be honest, Rodney, I didn't know it _was_ you until..."

"Really?" Rodney flushed and cleared his throat. "Um... this may sound inappropriate to mention but I have been known to indulge in... similar dreams."

John screwed up his face. "About yourself?"

"What? No! About _you_... and me," he added.

John narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

Rodney bristled. "No. I just said that to be supportive." He rolled his eyes. "Of course, really."

John licked his lips and leaned in closer. "So what are you planning to do about it?"

"You're the one working for a homophobic government-."

"Hayes repealed DADT months ago."

"And the fraternization regu-."

"I'm not your boss, Rodney."

"You're the team leader."

"As if that ever mattered, or would change what we already..."

"Feel for each other?" Rodney finished for John.

Reaching up to scrub at the back of his neck, John sighed. "Yeah."

Rodney leaned across and kissed John tenderly on the lips.

John brushed his lips with a thumb. "Why did you...?"

Rodney folded his arms, chin tilting up defensively. "You asked me what I was planning to do about it."

"Do it again."

Unfolding his arms slowly, eyes narrowed in uncertainty, Rodney leaned in and kissed him again, letting his lips linger this time before drawing back. John noticed his eyes were focused on his mouth as John tasted Rodney on his lips with a gentle swipe of the tip of his tongue.

"Again," he ordered in a whisper, and saw Rodney's eyes flick up to meet his; pupils blown until only a ring of blue remained.

This time he didn't hold back, breathing heavily with need and want when they pulled back a few minutes later, yet still not quite ready to tell Rodney exactly how he felt about him; that he loved him. Maybe one day he'd find the courage to say the words, but for now he pulled up the courage he needed to bring him one step closer to putting his greatest fear at rest. John nodded to himself as he captured Rodney's intense gaze and held it.

"I think I could sleep now.... if you'd join me."

Rodney gave him a crooked smile in response. "I think I could manage that."

The discarded tray was left forgotten on the table as they walked away with John's hand pressed against the small of Rodney's back, knowing they would be there for each other to chase any lingering nightmares away.

END


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